At this middle-age stage of life I wonder: “Is there time left for me to see and be my truth?”
Recently, at therapy, a discussion around anger. My anger suppressed and turned inward.
Emotionally-abandoned as a child, my MO became to hold all my hurt and anger in so as not to create any more reasons for the adults in my life to walk away.
When certain adults abused my trust I, as any child would, turned that inside and found fault with myself.
Of course, as I grew older I learned to understand that being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people when one is an innocent is not a fault. It just is. If we are fortunate enough to survive we continue on our life path, however diverted, the best we can until we find our compass once again and can move on.
Still, for many years I paid the price for others’ delusions. As the perps walked off into their miserable sunset I was left with a heap of baggage for which I didn’t ask. For years I struggled to find a way to walk my path with my head held high while bearing the additional burden of a heavy, uncertain heart.
All the while I held my anger. I turned it inside. Beat myself up. Disguised my pain with the quest for perfection demanding nothing less of myself. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I lived in a constant state of needy anxiety, expending my precious energy making good for everyone but myself.
Well, in recent years this has stopped for the most part. My guided journey to self-awareness has helped me to release a lot of the baggage and, to some degree, lifted the weight off my heart.
Perhaps now it is safe to express my anger in a wholesome and healing way. And perhaps by learning to freely express my anger I will finally secure my voice.
We’ll see …
Anger
The beginning of anger
Where does it start?
The abyss of the mind?
The depths of the heart?
Where does it live
When we can’t set it free,
When we turn it inside
So that no one will see?
~*~
Say nothing, I beg you,
No, don’t let them know
Don’t give them another
Bad reason to go.
~*~
So, down I suppress it
Down, down somewhere deep
Where no one will venture.
Still, I feel it creep
Like a deep-sea diversion
Off balance and old,
That feeds my self-loathing ~
My soul feeling sold.
~*~
Dark is this truth that
Resides deep within,
My anger derived
From another man’s sin.
The choices he made;
The energy he stole;
A childhood lost
Made this adult less whole.
~*~
Give voice to my anger?
Oh yes, it is time,
Through essay or story;
Through free verse or rhyme.
Free of the burden
Free of the pain
The loss of this misery
Surely my gain.
~*~
Thanks for visiting.
Dorothy
©Dorothy Chiotti, Aimwell CreativeWorks 2014
Shedding Light on the Family Tree 
I can only imagine the damage you suffered from repressed anger. And thank goodness you are healing. Your poem says it all so clearly and is so sad for a childhood lost.
Thank you. I am healing and that is the good news. It is not my intention to share this and declare myself a victim, because I am not. My desire is to give an account of the healing journey and to demonstrate that for the open heart and mind it is possible to reclaim Self. Thank you for your continued support through the blogosphere. It means a lot to me that you are there to hear my voice. Be well, Dorothy 🙂
Your reply to first comment was exactly what I was going to share. I am glad that we here in the blogsphere can share in your journey; just as I am glad that you all can share in mine. 🙂
Thank you. It is an additional layer of support that wasn’t available in times past, and perhaps that has been one of the benefits of the world wide web. We realize that even in our deepest experiences we are never really alone. There is some reassurance in this knowledge. … Thanks for being there. I am happy to be here. 🙂
As a young child I found Jesus’ love, trying to fill in the gap of loveless parents. My mother was verbally abusive. We had our needs supplied–food, clothes, church, discipline. Like you, I often wandered if it was my fault.
What I find the oddest, now that I can look back on my childhood, is that I was happy. In spite of all that my siblings and I went through, there was still a measure of joy.
Talking to Jesus helped get me through those rough years. His quiet voice often provided comfort and reassurance. We’ve stayed together all these years. I still have some anger issues, mainly ‘why’ and ‘what if’. I don’t know if it’s ever possible to let the anger go.
Like so many others, I’ve taken up writing. I try to focus on the positive aspects and less on the negative. They may be what helped form me, but I don’t want to give it too much emphasis.
Thank you for sharing your experience. … To be sure, I don’t want to leave the impression there was no joy in our home when I was growing up. Ours was a life filled with music and where there is music there is joy. Still, where I needed support the most emotionally I was left to my own devices and it made the journey very difficult. I, too, had (have) God. I have a strong faith in the comfort of the unseen Hand, and it is this that gets me through my most difficult trials. I have a story that I will write one day within the context of faith and that will illustrate what I mean. Perhaps that story will come sooner now, rather than later, since it has come to mind. … I am happy for you that you have found comfort and reassurance through Jesus Christ, and have writing as a helpful vehicle for healing. It is always best to focus on the positive and useful to learn from the negative experiences of our lives. Learn from them and let them go. 😉 … Thanks for visiting. Be well, Dorothy 🙂
What a journey you are on. I’m glad that your burdens are lifting. this morning in our seminary class we talked about Ether 12:6 “You receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” I’d always equated “trial” with a hardship or a testing, but today I was made aware of a different meaning–that of “trying.” As we try to move forward, sometimes without any assurance of the miracle at the end of the tunnel, that is enough. God sees our faith and our reaching and touches our lives with His grace. Gail
It’s a good point, Gail. We never know where our efforts will lead but we must try or we are guaranteed to go nowhere. I have felt the presence of God along my journey. Believe me when I say that at times it is the only thing that’s seen me through. 😉
I’m often told not to hold on what I feel but talk about it. That’s hard for me because I don’t like to argue and usually the other person is argumentative. I’m learning to find my voice though-slowly
I fully understand. When we are afraid to speak our minds we fear that whatever we say is going to cause an argument. It’s taken me a long time to acknowledge that I have a right to my opinions and to express them (in appropriate forums.) I would not express my heart to someone I didn’t trust, but it’s taken me a long time to learn who I could trust. … For a long time, when I couldn’t find anyone to talk to, I wrote everything down in my journal. It helped. … I wish you well on your journey to finding your voice. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your voice with me. 🙂 … Be well, Dorothy
Dorothy
Very true, one does have a right to their opinion and to express it. You’re welcome