A void waiting to be filled.
Fill it wisely, and be well.
A path familiar walked for too long a time.
Riddled with old perceptions and prejudices;
Delusions, illusions and self-sabotage.
It was all I knew; all I understood of life
Until one day I finally
“Is this all there is?”
A wall to the right guides me forward;
To the left, escape.
But to escape is to runaway;
To avoid a truth which
Looks, oh dear, so dark.
Yet, I must know the dark secrets
Of this truth. My truth.
Surely it is more than the emptiness
I feel that suffocates.
I must know. I must make
The uncertain live and die in me so
I might live again.
All is uncertain. Even escape drags us
Into uncertainty. An uncertainty
Often darker than our own.
At the threshold I stand. Smile.
What is more intrepid; more adventurous;
More exciting than to advance into our own
Mystery with open heart and mind, and a
Desire to plumb the depths of our truth?
To feel what is real. To negotiate the joy;
The terror; the fear; the relief;
The pain; the sorrow; the love; the hate;
The sadness; the history of the ages that
Makes us who and why we are?
In the process, discovering a new self-respect,
A new joy in our being because we have found
What lies beyond the lies that have
Shaped how we perceive our world?
Trade that powerful roller coaster
Of healing for an escape
On a delusional fairground ride into the
Utter depths of another’s darkness?
I think not.
So, with courage and a will to seek
My truth boldly I step into that immeasurable
Abyss. The place from which I would
Run screaming for lack
Stop. Breathe deeply. Feel its clamp around
My chest. Feel it mess with my mind.
My eyes blinded search for light; for
Relief; for the familiar.
Panic. Fear. The light!
Where is the light? The walls have
Closed in. For a moment I
Suffocate in that
Dark unknown. It cannot
Be escaped. It must be faced; met;
Addressed; wrestled with; felt.
Feeling? What is that? I who have
Numbed my way through life must
Suddenly feel? It is too much; it is
Too much; it is too much; it is …
Blinding darkness in a twinkling to
Blinding light. With one hand I
Shield my eyes while the other is
“Be at peace, dear one, the truth
Is not so hard when faced together.”
I catch my breath. My body floods
With awareness, or at least the
Desire for it. I am not alone in this
Dark place when the Good Heart
Upon it shines.
To be free of my past I must
Face it. And not just
My past, but the lives of those
Who came before and coloured
My world with all their
Grief and prejudices and
Suffering and pain.
Together the Good Heart and I
Walk this straight
And narrow way.
The gentle hand my guide;
The gentle voice my comfort.
My truth revealed in a loving
Way, leaving me weeping for
Joy at my survival of the
Slings and arrows life has
Thrown my way. Somehow
I made it here. And somehow,
Henceforth, I shall thrive.
Fill the emptiness created by a
Self-imposed, protective vacuum that
Had almost sucked the life
Right out of me. Fill it with love;
With beauty; with peace.
I am more than the misery of that
Dark unknown. My truth buried
Behind the heavy shroud of
Others’ suffering; imposed upon my
Will and accepted as my own as
I knew no better.
My truth reveals my authenticity.
Yet, I would never have heard its voice
Without first stepping boldly into that
This is written in response to the Weekly Writing Challenge: 1,000 Words. It started as a free writing exercise, calling upon the memory of a dream I had a couple of weeks ago, an experience in a restaurant where you eat in the dark and years of therapy.
Thanks for visiting,
©Dorothy Chiotti, Aimwell CreativeWorks 2014
More Emptiness from the 1,000 Word Challenge
Memoirs of an Unremarkable Man